Who’s Last? — a Short Comedy for Two Voices

Characters

Two characters: Vera and Pavel. No props are needed; the door and window can be suggested by a glance. Directions in brackets are not spoken.

Outside the bakery

(Evening. The bakery is closed briefly while a delivery is taken in. A note on the door says: “Back in ten minutes.” In the window: jam buns and one large snail-shaped cheese bun. Vera stands by the door. Pavel arrives.)

VERA: Behind me.

PAVEL: Thank you. Who’s ahead of you?

VERA: Nobody. I’m first.

PAVEL: Then I think I’m ahead of you.

VERA: You’re remarkably discreet about standing there.

PAVEL: I went to the cash machine. They’re cash only today.

VERA: Was the cash machine holding your place?

PAVEL: I asked a woman in a green coat. She said, “Of course.”

VERA: Where is she?

PAVEL: No idea. Very helpful woman. Perhaps she’s gone to hold someone else’s place.

VERA: Nobody was here when I arrived. Helpful or otherwise.

PAVEL: Was the note there already?

VERA: Yes.

PAVEL: Then the ten minutes must be nearly up.

VERA: Or they’ll be up tomorrow. There’s no time on it. I’ve been staring at that snail for seven minutes.

PAVEL: The cheese snail?

VERA: No, the live kind. Very slowly crawling off the tray.

PAVEL: I want the cheese one too.

(They both look in the window.)

VERA: There’s still jam.

PAVEL: I can see. But Uncle Borya asked for cheese.

VERA: And Petrovich asked me. I promised.

PAVEL: So did I. Otherwise I’d have bought a loaf and gone home. Bread never makes you explain yourself.

VERA: Petrovich is my new neighbour. I borrowed his stepladder last week. Returned it with some homemade fruit drink.

PAVEL: Spilt over it?

VERA: In a jar. To say thank you. He said, “Don’t like fruit drinks. Bring me a cheese snail sometime.” Today he asked me to help move his bookcase. So it’s sometime.

PAVEL: Uncle doesn’t like fruit drinks either. Says, “If it’s a drink, why is there a spoon?”

VERA: You could stand a spoon up in mine.

PAVEL: Definitely not a drink, then.

VERA: Shall we split it?

PAVEL: Who gets to take the middle?

VERA: What middle?

PAVEL: The softest curl. Uncle starts there. Unwinds the whole thing like an extension cable.

VERA: We could cut straight through the curl.

PAVEL: We could. But I’ll get interrogated. Why half? Where’s the rest? Who’s this woman? Why did she get the side with the cheese?

VERA: Petrovich will only ask why I didn’t invite you to tea. Then inspect his half. Then ask about the cheese after all.

(A pause.)

PAVEL: Let’s be fair. Whoever got here first.

VERA: Excellent. I arrived and you weren’t here.

PAVEL: I arrived and you weren’t here yet.

VERA: We’ve heard both accounts.

PAVEL: We could toss a coin.

VERA: Have you got one?

PAVEL: No. The machine gave me one note. A big one. Tails would take an indecent amount of time to land.

VERA: Then whoever has the more important errand. I’ve got a bookcase to move.

PAVEL: So have I.

VERA: Oh, please.

PAVEL: Really. Uncle invited me for tea. Then said the table was covered in books. Then I found out where the books had come from.

VERA: How many shelves?

PAVEL: Six.

VERA: Petrovich’s has seven.

PAVEL: Uncle doesn’t count the top one. His box of cables lives there. “That’s equipment, not furniture.”

(Vera slowly turns towards Pavel.)

VERA: Does the bookcase door close?

PAVEL: If you lift the left corner. Don’t ask how I know.

VERA: I know how. You moved it last time.

PAVEL: And the time before. Now it’s going back by the window. Easier to read there, he says.

VERA: He told me away from the window. The books fade there.

PAVEL: Was that yesterday?

VERA: This morning.

PAVEL: So he’s had all day to change his mind.

VERA: Hang on. Boris…

PAVEL: Petrovich.

VERA: Fifth floor?

PAVEL: No lift.

VERA: The bell says “I can hear you”?

PAVEL: And beside it: “The first time.”

(They both look at the cheese bun again.)

VERA: One bookcase. One cheese snail.

PAVEL: Two deliveries.

VERA: He told me, “My nephew will be on the other end.”

PAVEL: He told me, “You’ll meet my neighbour. A very determined woman.”

VERA: Because I carried the stepladder myself.

PAVEL: No. Because you left him the fruit drink.

VERA: So we’ll get one. Whole. He can dig out the middle himself.

PAVEL: Agreed. And two jam buns.

VERA: What for?

PAVEL: So the removal crew gets something with their tea.

VERA: Make it three. I like jam.

(Vera looks towards the door and takes half a step back.)

VERA: They’re coming to open up. After you.

PAVEL: You’re first.

VERA: Now I’m letting you go ahead. Of my own free will.

PAVEL: Thank you.

VERA: Whoever’s first gets to choose which end of the bookcase to take.

PAVEL: Then I’m behind you.

VERA: Afraid of the heavy end?

PAVEL: No. I know he’ll change his mind while the first person’s choosing.